Sometimes, I wonder...

This is going to be long... and emotional... ignore this post if possible bah...

Sometimes, I wonder that am I a good brother, a good son, a good friend, and a good bf ?

I hardly talk and communicate with my brother and sister.. Hardly accompany my sis and very seldom that I care about my brother and sister..

But, do I actually have to swallow all the blames that it was all my faults ?

Mum always scolded me that I hardly talk to my brother, hardly care about my brother and sister. And always says that me as the elder brother, should care about them, and communicate with them, that's my responsibility !

But...

Have you and dad, ever communicated with me ?
Have you two, ever care about me and sayang me ?

I guess, the only reason that I don't know how to communicate with my brother and sister, don't know how to care about them and sayang them, is because I REALLY DON'T KNOW.

Seriously I really have no idea how to communicate and care about them, because this never happen to me. I never experience that,therefore what you expect from me ?

You get what I mean ? How are you suppose to ask someone who never receive care from parents, someone who never communicated with parents to communicate and sayang his brother ?

I was all the while alone at home since standard 4, I came home from school, and stayed at home alone. This happened from standard 4 until now...

F4 and F5 that time, almost everyday I went out at 6 in the morning, and only reached home at 10 due to tuitions, so for a few days I didn't even see the face of my mum or dad mia...

Parents had never bother about me..
They hardly talk to me, and I dare to say, they really don't care about me mia..

So mum, how you expect me to talk to bro and sis a lot, communicate with them more often and care about them more when your son, me had never experience it ?
I really have NO IDEA about the whole thing u know? I don't know HOW, it never happened on me, that's why I don't know how to talk to them..

So I really wonder, am I a good brother ? I guess, No ..

I've always wished that there will be people to sayang and care about me...
I've always wanted to feel the feelings of being in a happy family, being cared by parents, and mix along well with brother and sister...

温暖的家,
So far, didn't have the chance to taste that ..
'Family', this word, can never be found in my dictionary...

Last time my back was injured when playing football.. It was pain and I felt uncomfortable all the time, I told mum so many times, for a few months continuously.. She kept sayaing ok ok ok.. will bring me go see doctor...

But,
it never get into her ears..
so far not once that I went to see doctor to check my back..

I was all the while, bearing the pain alone...

I actually thought of going alone, without informing my parents..
Since they don't bother about that, then let me go check myself lor...

Sometimes quite envy my sis mia, sick sick flu flu a bit, mum brings her to see doctor d..

House, to me is a battlefield, full with land mines, you make a step wrong, and you will get bombed hard.

Some may wonder how come I eat so fast, let me disclose the answer.
Every dinner I have to eat with family, with dad around. That situation, was so pressured, so tensed and so scared. That's why all the while I gobbled as fast as I could, then straight away went to hide in my room, to escape from the tensed battlefield out there..
So day by day, that's why now I eat so fast...

The very 1st purpose I was actively involved so many co-curricular activities back in secondary school, was because I wanted to stay outside, to join those activities, and don't want to stay at home always.

Still remember, back in F3, I was so pressured with studies, cocuriculums, competitions and friends... everything was like pressing me so so so hard, until I couldn't breathe at all...
so frustrated, so scared, so weak that time.. fell hardly and deeply...
but, who could I turn to ?

Family ?
it would only add another heavy burden and pressure on me..
I was all alone that time.. and went through everything , alone...
Soon Khee, really really envy you, that your family always support you, treasure them well.
I want also don't have, they'll just turn their back against me and give me more problems.

Am I a good son, No..

If I am, I won't be hearing the same thing for the past 18 years d..
'You are useless, only know how to eat, sleep and play... useless son'

I've never done anything that made my parents proud I guess..
They've never praised me, never... so I guess, to them I'm really useless..

Still remember, the 1st test back in F1, I got 35/ 506 in the overall form position, happily put my result slip on the table, the next day, I kena shouted by dad,
'People can get number 1, why u can never get number 1 ? why all 80 80 80 only? why people got 90 and above and u only got like that? useless son who only knows how to eat, sleep and play'

Good friend ? No..

My blog, I guess not even more than 5 readers ... no comments, no people view.. except myself and baby... and a few friends...

别人的心声，我听得很很很多，但我自己的心声，又有谁愿意去聆听？

Guess my attitude that made me had less less friends,can't blame anyone, only have myself to blame... got also most of them are 'Hi Bye' friends nia..

When I really fall, who will be there to catch me ? I know the answer de... nobody will..
I'm really a bad friend .. I know de.. sorry friends... for treating u all so badly... sorry...
i sincerely apologise ='( ... sorry....

Last but not least..
Am I a good bf..?

Me myself know the answer very very well...

Obviously, No

I always only know how to make her angry and sad...
Never once that I could reach her expectation...
Her expectations, all also I failed to reach..
Compared to others mia bf, I am the worst...

I really realise de..
I'm not as good as that him.. this him... that that him...
I'm not as good as her bf.. this her mia bf, that her mia bf...
I'm not as good as your friends mia bf..
I'm sorry..
I'm not perfect and not good enough..

Can't make you happy, only always know how to make you sad and angry...
Always disappoint you... and let you down...
Sorry...

Sometimes I really wonder..
Do I deserve a place on this earth de...?
I brought nothing good for mankind..
Only brought problems, sadness and angriness to people...
Why I am here ?
Why someone bad should be here...